Until I Know It’s Safe

I’m going to take my heart — my sweet, delicate, gentle (yes, really!) heart — and put it in a box, tie it with a ribbon and stuff it into the bottom of my closet. I often wonder, while dating, why we are so hell bent on partnering up… Why do we feel the need to be in a relationship? What is it about our programming that makes us think we’re incomplete until we find “our other half”?

My friend, The Locksmith, has had a bad month. He got laid off AND he and his girlfriend broke up. He emailed me to tell me today and I immediately shot him a text, asking if he was okay or if he wanted to talk. He didn’t — I think it literally JUST happened. I’m hurting for him, of course, and there’s not a whole lot I can do right now for him. That blows. I hate feeling powerless.

Really, when we find ourselves on the tail-end of a relationship, there’s nothing anybody can do for us.

I was talking with Nanners last week about how, at the end of my relationship with the Sociopath, I was just so stunned and so shocked. She was like, “There was nothing we could say to you. There was really just nothing that could have been said.” And I realized, while talking with her, I’m still hurting from my breakup. STILL. It’s been a year and two months since it all went down, and I’m still hurting.

I think I beat myself up for it. I think I expect myself to be as tough as my exterior reflects. Nanners reminded me that it has only been a year. Phrasing it like that, it does feel like I can give myself a bit more grace. Three years together and it’s only been a year since my entire life rattled itself free from that man.

So what do you say when someone gets their heart broken? “Everything happens for a reason”? Such a fucking cliche response. Lame.

And back to the original paragraph — WHY do we do this to ourselves? People are perpetually disappointing… Always letting you down… Not following through. We have our friends, sure… But why can’t that be enough? Why must we always put ourselves into hunter mode, seeking a partner.

I’m on a dating site and I’m nearly over it. I’m so tired. I LOVE dating, I LOVE meeting new and interesting men. I really do… But at some point… The parade gets redundant.

My friend PM prescribed for me his solution to my problems: short term dating.

Go into it with the notion that I’ll date you for (fill in the blank) weeks. Stop worrying so much about where it’s going and how I feel cautious or skeptical. Just date. Date until I don’t want to date anymore… Then end it.

Easier said than done, right?

I do think it’ll be good practice for me. I need to learn how to enjoy someone’s company… How to enjoy being chased… How to enjoy being showered with affection and pampering… And how, while all of that is nice, it’s BASIC.

When someone goes above the basics, I should take note. Not, say… When they’re hot. Haha. No free passes for pretty faces!

Beautiful. So in the mean time, I’m still dating *groan* but I’m trying to go about it with a different mindset. I’m trying to force myself to not throw my leg over the rocketship and hold on for dear life while I imagine what kind of wedding we’d have or what our grandchildren will look like or how adorably he’ll age into a wrinkly fart.

Hard for me… But I think it’s necessary.

I’m going to go see the Hot Single Dad on Wednesday. And… while it would feel nice to entertain the notion of a relationship with him (we’d have really fucking gorgeous children, btw), I’m setting my phasers to fuck. Keep it physical, under terms that I’m comfortable with until I am convinced otherwise.

I want some male affection, sure. And sex… Um, yes, of course, but I certainly don’t want to get my heart broken. What a fine fucking, complicated balance.