As I often do, after a romance gone bad, I reflect a little bit and try to figure out what I need to learn, what I need to laugh about, and what I need to throw away. I always end up back at the list.
When I was in junior high school, I was heavily involved in my church. One lesson we had that still has an effect on me was the lesson about your list — creating a list of what kind of man you want God to bring into your life and praying to God to fulfill the desires of your heart. In theory, it’s a great idea. I’m no longer a Christian, but I do believe in the power of manifestation. I think if you set your heart on a goal, you’ll get it… Eventually. Heh.
So I constructed my list. Back in the day it had things like, “He should be a strong man of God and want to lead people to Jesus.” Blah ditty blah blah stuff. I found my copy of this list a few years ago and thought I had tucked it away into a special spot but I’ve lost it and don’t think I’ll ever find the original again. It would be pretty entertaining to find it, for sure.
A lot of things on my list have changed. Obviously, I don’t care if he’s a good student in his school anymore. But here’s my most recent edit of the list, last updated in May of 2009:
- a creative man
- dark and sarcastic
- totally silly but oozing cool
- reformed bad boy (meaning, has actually experienced some sketchy things and turned his back on them)
- affectionate
- attentive
- handy around the house/building shit
- he should be funny, but not one of those guys who has to be the center of attention.
- he should find my precocious nature adorable and even encourage it…
- he doesn’t care for sports, but would kill for his family.
- drama doesn’t circulate around him, rather, it seems to bounce off of him.
- he has a healthy lifestyle but isn’t obsessed with his physique.
- his parents are still married and in love.
- he doesn’t have a job, he has a career. and he loves it
- he thinks pregnant women are beautiful and admires stretch marks as battle scars.
- he’s much taller than me… makes me feel bitty.
- he’s probably a bit of a nerd, but in the way that i’m a bit of a nerd. i am a really cool person, but deep down, i’m such a nerd, man… you know, he should still have social skills, but totally geek out on software and typography. (oooh typography…)
- he should pursue me and win me over. i refuse to chase a man ever again.
- he should respect my journey as a single mother.
- he’ll likely have tattoos
- he’ll care about his appearance, but not obsess.
- he’ll prefer me without makeup.
- he’ll have calloused hands.
- he’ll have a long, lean frame… chicken legs… muscular, but still very sinewy.
- totally corny
- absolutely edgy, and not in a he-tries-hard way. he just is.
- like my dad, only add a pinch of rock and roll and a touch more ego.
- a love for pablo neruda
- maybe bilingual…?
- appreciation for ani difranco… not necessarily enough to have to go to shows with me, but enough to play it in the car and sing along with me.
- he should like giving massages and be good at it.
Dee-lite thinks my list is dating cryptonite. And it’s not meant as the be-all, end-all of what I want in a man. It’s not a check list so much as a wish list…
Do I expect for a man to stumble into my life and be EVERYTHING on my list? Pfft, right! Am I keenly aware of the things I actually DO want in a man and therefore would be receptive to a man with many of these things on my list? You’d think. Heh.
I’m not sure what to do with this list now. I mean, clearly, I don’t need to date for a while. I’m a bad chooser. I pick men who mislead — whether intentionally or not. If they intend to mislead me, I fall into their traps. If they don’t intend to mislead me, often they try so hard to be someone that they think I want, that I fall into that trap. I think a period of solitude would do me good.
But I’m not getting rid of my list because, really… I think there’s probably a man out there that fits.
In the spirit of forever-editing, I’m adding a few:
- must understand manergy and not mistake it for sexism
- must be as sexually driven as me
- must “get” that I am who I am and not want to change me
No related posts.
hmmm can i add a few?
. must love my son and accept that he is a one of a kind boy!
. must love to tickle and play with my son
. must not be a republican or closed minded right winger
. must appreciate family- my family as well as the one he may become a part of
. must be able to give his heart fully away as i give mine away fully as well
No love for the kids of divorced parents? we couldn’t help it!
It’s not that I don’t love kids of divorced parents… My kid is a kid of divorced parents.
For me, it has to do with an adolescence that is similar to mine and a view on marriage as something permanent, through thick and thin, no matter what. Really taking the idea of marriage and creating a lifestyle around it.
My parents have been married since 1977 and they haven’t had easy sailing the whole time. But they got through it and they’re stronger together than they are apart.
To me, someone with parents who are not only still married, but still in love… That is a living, breathing example of the kind of love I want to have one day… And if someone has never had that as an example, the chances that we won’t see eye to eye on what commitment means is greater.