Neglected

I’m really sorry I haven’t updated. It’s been absolutely nutty at the Biznasty — working ten to twelve hour days, on my feet the whole time, barely breaking for a meal. I am tired. But I think the worst of the rush is behind me now.

Dr. Dude came for his visit and it was really lovely – a bit whirl-windy…

The cliffsnotes: Friday night, I picked him up at the airport, complete with the whole I-saw-him-from-thirty-feet-away-we-made-eye-contact-and-damn-near-ran-to-greet-each-other kind of thing. It was really kind of neat. We went to dinner Friday night and came home and kind of went to bed early. I think we were a little shell shocked. Saturday, we puttered around the house together most of the day – it was surprisingly cozy just hanging out with him. We went out to dinner at one of my favorite places and then had beers down the street. Came home and stayed up until like five or six in the morning talking. Slept in late on Sunday, went to brunch and then took him back to the airport. It didn’t feel like enough time… But it was really great.

It’s a difficult thing flying in from eight hundred miles away and not knowing what to expect. What is even harder is having that person go back to eight hundred miles away and being unsure of what that means. I’m not exactly sure what I expected from him, but I find myself wanting… I knew when he got back to his city, he’d have a week until his final exam and I knew I wouldn’t really talk to him much that week. Then he called to tell me he passed his exam and with the exception of one good phone call, we’ve barely talked. Granted, I’ve been super busy during this time period, too… And maybe December is a really shitty time to attempt to start a romance, but I haven’t really been able to talk to him much. He’s becoming notoriously bad about replying or sending text messages and I haven’t gotten an email since we made the switch to the phone. He gushed about a card he got for me that was coming in the mail but I haven’t gotten it yet. I’m feeling neglected and back-burner’ed… But I’m not really sure what I expect to feel from him right now. I mean, we don’t KNOW each other. We are not in a relationship. We are not, under any terms, committed to one another. Shit, I had a date last weekend with the HSD (yes, and ACTUAL date. I’ll explain that later) — not that I expect that train to ever pull out of the station.

I just… I don’t know. I’m wondering how realistic it is for me to have a relationship with someone 800 miles away — someone who can’t feasibly move to my city. I can’t move — actually, I don’t want to move. This is my home and my family is here and the boy child’s family is here. I LOVE my city.

Most of my friends are having the resounding opinion of, “He’s probably just not that into you,” which I have considered. I think it’s more like, “He probably can’t figure out how to be with you, considering the circumstances.” I think I’m in the same boat. He’s a wonderful man and I can’t recall a time in my life that I felt more like a princess than when he was in town. Seriously – we walked into my favorite rare bookstore and walked straight back to the out-of-print room and both stood next to each other and, with a little tilt of our heads, sighed heavy sighs at the books. I think we connect on a really special intellectual level and there’s good chemistry there, too… But he’s 800 miles away. And he’s busy. And I’m busy. And we’re both poor and in no position to be flying back and forth.

I don’t know. I’m feeling a bit defeated about the whole thing. The idea of a crush and that sort of ZING feeling you get was really fun, but the reality of being in a relationship with someone who isn’t going to be curling into my neck at night on a regular basis… I’m not sure that it would be enough for me. I’m such a physically-hungry person.

I just don’t know.

I’ve never attempted a long distance relationship, outside of silly post-summer-camp crushes in junior high school. I feel like, in some ways, it would be something that I could do and be good at because I am busy and I value my time with friends and family and alone. I don’t like having my entire calendar monopolized by the man that I’m seeing. But the foundation here is what is lacking — it’s one thing to attempt a long distance romance after you’ve established a short distance one. But starting from the bottom at eight hundred miles away? Is that even possible??

You come off a weekend together like… So high with love-sick energy… And then, of course, it tapers off. I’m not really sure what I was expecting – I think I let my romantic side push my logical side out of the way which, in hindsight, probably made the weekend more fun but has made all of this back-to-reality stuff less fun.

My date with HSD was strange… Indeed. Mostly in that he called and asked me out on a date. I joked with him, “Are you asking me out on a proper date?” And he did – he delivered on that. Picked me up, paid for dinner, took me for drinks. We made out like teenagers, just like we always do. But there was also some talking — we haven’t really talked in quite some time, other than just shooting the shit. He made mention in a few different ways about how he’s been feeling lonely and tired of dating — I certainly don’t think this was some kind of veiled message that he was delivering to me — but it was monumental, just the same, that this perpetual bachelor might be finally cranking the gears of his relationship-centered heart. He asked me why I was kind of rude to him after I saw him last – when I went to retrieve my sweater. He said it wasn’t really what I said, but how I said it (what a woman thing to say!)… He asked me if I was mad at him for something…

I just laid it out there for him. “I’m not high maintenance, but I do require some maintenance. When things fall into a rhythm with you where I come over on my day off, we fuck, and then I leave, I get to feeling like it isn’t what I want – it’s not enough for me. I like to do things and go out and DATE. And it wouldn’t hurt if you called once in a while to just like… talk.” He laughed – like a nervous, “Oh shit, she’s calling me on my shit” laugh. But I think he understood me. He kept saying over and over how he had missed me and how much he enjoyed our time together.

I swear to god, HSD is my Achilles heel. Physically, he’s everything I want in a man and he triggers all of the good things that I want to feel in myself. He’s creative and silly. He’s not perfect — he’s got a few habits that I could live without and I wish he had a better financial/career outlook. But he’s cozy and warm and HERE.

And it crossed my mind that if I’m going to spend my time with a man who isn’t really IN my life, I’d prefer to do it with a man I can actually see on occasion. Even if it doesn’t go anywhere, I don’t think I’m wired for sitting and waiting and twiddling my thumbs for an out of town boyfriend…. Particularly one who seems to forget that I exist for days at a time.

I still am not sure if I’m really ready for a relationship of any kind — I wonder if all of this is just self-sabotage at it’s purest form. Who knows, really…

I’m listening to music from Cinci and still in my pjs at 2pm. I’m certainly not feeling like I’m in a super awesome space right now.

Tonight is the Christmas Cocktail Party at Dee-lite’s house. I couldn’t find a sitter, so I’ll only be staying for a couple of hours, if that. Maybe just a brief appearance. Nanners is dating someone — like a man that sounds like he’s really kind of awesome. I’m super happy for her. God, she deserves a break. I mostly want to go to this party to give Dee-lite her Christmas gift and to meet Nanners’ new man.

Then it’ll be back home and back into bed for some more sleep. I’m so tired. Just so exhausted with life this month.

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