This is the beginning of the fourth week with my son, uninterrupted by visitation with his father, thanks to getting Thanksgiving weekend which wasn’t part of my regularly scheduled time with him.
Thanksgiving shirt and tie (by his own choice) complete with temporary neck tattoo.
In years past, long stretches like this were really hard. I’m sure part of it was that he was younger and harder to handle… Less able to communicate and more able to, um… bang on things and make little boy noises. But right now, this stretch? This has been one of the greatest months on record.
We haven’t even really DONE much either, just a lot of spending time together… Getting our rhythms in sync. It’s been really beautiful and I can tell that the both of us are just more at peace and calmer an happier.
I’m not saying that going to his dad disrupts that, but more so that a broken pattern in the structure of a homelife is… I’m regretful for that because really, that’s on my shoulders. I was the stupid barely-not-a-teenager anymore that got knocked up and stole that normalcy away from him. People always say, “Kids are resilient!” And they are… But they’re that way because they HAVE to be… How much happier are we in our own lives when we can just relax and know what tomorrow will bring? Disjointed spaces in our timelines, hopping from one house to another with two sets of parents and two sets of rules… I mean, seriously… My kid currently has three sets of grandparents and, if I ever get married, he’ll have four. Four sets of grandparents.
So maybe this non-nuclear family thing isn’t so bad… There are so many people in his life that are in his camp, on his team, waiting on the ready to fight his battles for him.
We lived far away from my family when I was growing up. My mom got a job in Atlanta when I was three and we moved from North Carolina down to Norcross, Georgia (before Norcross, Georgia was hood-y and dangerous. I never thought twice about being far away from them. Our situation was just that we were here and they were there. We’d go to North Carolina for either Thanksgiving or Christmas and we’d spend a day at Mema’s house and a day or two at my Aunt’s house and a day or two at my grandma’s house. Then my dad would repack the van with our luggage, like tetris blocks, and I’d go hide under grandma and grandpa’s bed, hoping like hell they’d forget me and I could stay there with them forever.
My son’s life isn’t quite like that. All of his family (with the exception of some of his Great-Aunts and Great Uncles) live within an hour of his house. And my parents live… on the other side of the house. It’s really special…
So I can’t give him a nuclear family with 2.5 kids and a dog and picket fence, but what I can give him is daily interaction with my parents and regular interaction with his stepmom’s family and his dad’s brother and his dad’s parents. That’s special. In it’s own way, that’s as important as that typical, non-divorced, unspliced homelife.
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Sigh, I hear ya. We have the same thing. I have been divorced, and then remarried, and now separated. There are days I wish my kids had the “typical” family. I grew up with tons of extended family around, but with a somewhat dysfunctional yet intact nuclear family. My kids don’t have much family around, but they have me, and my ex, and the ex’s parents (who are technically not my younger son’s grandparents, but whatever, they act like they are and he loves that), and my siblings live far but visit sometimes. It is what it is and we make the most of it. I think this is their typical. Sure, they see kids in houses with two parents, and they know kids who have moms who stay home all day, and they don’t have these things. It all works out in the end.
You sound balanced. At least with your son. And that’s awesome…and hard to do…coming from a divorced family…I get it, how hard it is to feel like you nust described, in some way or another.
A divorced friend of mine lives by the mantra “More love, is more love” More people that love your boy make him luckier, not unfortunate. And while yes, he’ll have a different home life than someone raised in an unsplit home, it doesn’t have to mean that he’s worse for the wear. And it’s obvious how much you love him! :)
If you want to check out my friends blog, it’s Post Cards from a Peaceful Divorce. She’s got some great insights and her blog is a great read! :) http://www.postcardsfromapeacefuldivorce.com/
You sound like you’ve landed in a good place–and I can tell you from experience that while moving home is hard in many ways, it has been tremendous for me & the boys. We love being in our own house / space (well I do anyway–I think they could have lived at my mom and grandmother’s forever!!), but it’s so great being near family. I took them by my uncle’s Christmas tree farm on Friday after school and before we got there, Will wanted to know who “Uncle James” was….I explained that it was my dad’s younger brother and that he had not seen him in a long time–since he was a toddler. I felt a little guilty about it but then when we got there, it was all good and they were happy to “re-meet” (as Henry put it) each other. So yeah, being divorced isn’t easy nor necessarily the best scenario but I agree with the reader above: More love is more love….and being close to your family is invaluable. Miss you guys.
I found you from my friend Mindi who commented above. I think that it sounds like your son is lucky to have you and so many others who care about him. My kids are really thriving even though we are divorced and just last night my eight year old told us that we were perfect parents. While I don’t strive for perfection, I do take pride in having made the best of a difficult situation, to the point where he loves it and knows no other way. So don’t blame yourself for past decisions. They are gone. Just know that you are doing right by him know.
Great to visit you!