I think I might be dying.

That’s hot, right? Check out the mouth-breather. Fucking ew. That was me yesterday morning. I ended up spending most of the day in bed. Bless the boy child’s heart, he was amazing. Fixed himself stuff to eat, kept himself occupied and even found time to come and sit in my bed and read to me while I fell asleep.

I have GOT to be doing something right, man. Such a sweet little dude.

So, yesterday, there was a lot of swelling in my throat but for most of the day, I just felt tired. I thought maybe I just WAS tired — work has been kicking my ass. Then, around early afternoon, I started getting chills. I piled the blankets on my bed and just could NOT get warm. Fuck. You should have seen me. Two pair of yoga pants, a tank, long sleeve and hoodie and a pair of socks. It was like a 50/50 poly/cotton blend chastity belt. Heh.

But I got up mid-afternoon and schlepped myself into the shower which helped. Dr. Dude called and gave me all this medical advice. I threw the boy in the shower, grabbed all of our Christmas gifts to swap and headed over to my mom’s. That’s when I started feeling really bad. Head pounding — like, I had to move reeeeeeal slow to keep my head from feeling like it was going to sling off my body like a balloon full of air. I curled up under a blanket. We all opened gifts, which was lovely. The boy child got a bunch of cool stuff, I got a bunch of stuff that I actually need which was good.

Then we all sat down to dinner. For whatever reason, I ended up by the window… You know, the most draft place in the dining room. I had a blanket and burrito-rolled my legs into it. I filled up mostly on mashed potatoes and declined the red wine offer (this is how you KNOW I must be sick). After dinner, I didn’t even offer to clear my plate, just shuffled into the living room and laid the fuck down. I felt a little bad about that, but dude… I can’t express to you how badly I felt. I NEVER get sick so for me to be so struck with illness like this is a little disarming.

After visiting for a little while longer, we all loaded back into our cars to head home. I pulled a blanket from my backseat and burrito-wrapped my legs again. In hindsight, I probably should have asked someone to drive us home. I don’t remember much about the drive, my head was like…. spacey.

Got home, threw the boy in bed, threw the cookies out for Santa and crashed. I set my alarm to wake me up at 3am so that I could pull the Santa gifts out of my trunk, but ended up waking up on my own around midnight after about three hours of sleep. Shuffled out in the freezing cold rain and schlepped the bike and the legos into the house. Arranged them around the tree and then crashed again.

The boy appeared around 4am, “Santa came, mama!” “Ohh, that’s great. Come lay down with me for a little bit. It’s not time to get up.” So we slept until almost 7 and he couldn’t stand it anymore. I moved to the couch in the living room, slowly because apparently when I’m sick, I age fifty years. The boy opened each of his presents and each time leapt or squealed or said, “Aaaawwwwwwwsum!” It made me feel good. When he was all done, I told him that I was going to go back and lay down. He wanted to stay up and play with his toys, so he did.

This is me right now. Check out my freakin’ throat. I’m swole like muthafucka. Seriously, my throat may very well be two or three inches larger in diameter right now. Jeez, man. That’s unreal.

Urgent Care isn’t open on Christmas Day — Thanks, Baby Jesus. You planned it like this, didn’t you? Always trying to hurt the sweet little agnostics. You should focus your attention on the freakin’ atheists. They’re your real problem. The nurse on the phone said I could go to the emergency room if I felt like it was necessary, but $100?? Um, no thanks. Isn’t it a shame that money is keeping me from seeking treatment? And I’ve GOT health insurance. I made an appointment for tomorrow at 11:30 at the Urgent Care facility which will cost me $45. Depending on how I feel, I may just wait until Monday because that’ll save me $30. Oh, healthcare. I fucking hate you.

So yea, if you don’t see another blog post from me, it’s because I died. My entire body incinerated, the source of the flame originating at my throat. Blugh.