No, fool.

Listen you broad-backed, fat-backed redneck! If you spent less time eyeballing the candy selection and more time listening to me, you’d understand that I’m not some swindling car salesman trying to upsell you on fucking postage.

What you asked for was tracking. What you want, since by your smell, I can tell that you likely don’t have the extra income to pay for things like soap and running water, is the “cheapest option” which doesn’t include tracking.

No. Shipping with the post office won’t give you tracking.  You can purchase Delivery Confirmation for an additional charge but it isn’t tracking. Watch my mouth as I say this — it should be easier than watching your mouth as your yellowed and strangely spaced teeth are a bit distracting — DELIVERY CONFIRMATION IS JUST A CONFIRMATION OF DELIVERY. See what I did there with the context clues of the god damned word?

Two suggestions for you: when someone that works in a professional capacity tries to help you, don’t suck your rotten teeth at them and try to tell them how to do their job. You don’t do this for a living. I do. Shut your damn mouth.

I love how you nickel and dime about how much tracking costs (a difference of $4) when you scoop four candy bars up in your sausage fingers. I got a peek at your black encrusted nails. Thanks for that. I’m pretty sure I’ve lost my appetite for the remainder of the week. Bikini body, here I come!

The Shakedown.

*ring ring*

Me: The BizNasty, can I help you?

On the line, in a very curt voice: Let me talk at Dallas, thanks.

Me: May I tell him who is calling?

Him, maybe not curt… more, aggressively: This is Mike, thanks. (more…)

Just can’t get over it

I know I shouldn’t let little things bother me… But working in a mostly-retail environment, it’s really hard to let some of it go.

There is one girl that comes in here and I seriously just want to choke-slam her every single time she steps through our doors. She asks for a “stamped enveloat.” En-ve-LOAT. (more…)

The Uncle At Work

In general, I think I’m something of a sexist-ageist. I adore old ladies — ornery old hags, sweet hard-candy sharing grannies, sex-crazed cougars, gospel-singing jesus loving member of their church choir. It doesn’t matter. Old ladies SPEAK to me. (more…)

Hello, this is Grampa Dildo. Do I have any mail?

(more…)

Adventures In Online Help

So, I uploaded a file to my printer’s website today for a client. Well, actually I uploaded six files for three jobs and only one of those jobs was giving me grief.

Initially, the file was too big. I had to fix the photographs included in the file and finally got that straightened out and then, when I uploaded, the Instant Online Proof showed this NEON LIME GREEN in all the places that it should have been Kelly Green.

PANIC AT THE DISCO! (more…)

I may need to go get my rain boots on.

Because thus-far, this has been one of the grossest days I can recall.

It started this morning. I woke up and had intense visuals from my dream. As I thought about it and processed it, more of it came back to me.

Begin dream sequence (more…)

Just call me The Donald

‘cept I have WAY better hair than The Donald.

This post is long. I’m warning you. I’m also showing you a picture of my gorgeous hair and me, sans bra behind the cut to make up for the length of this post. (more…)

A week in the life of Baconland

These are a collection of recent Facebook updates… And the full story behind them. (more…)

I know they shouldn’t…

But some things just REALLY bother me.

Perhaps it gives you some insight into how… controlling I can be. I know there are things I cannot change… I can accept those things… Sure. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to complain about them or that when these things happen, I’m not going to twitch a little and raise my eyebrow… Do a little tilt of the head… (more…)

I know it’s called Magic Tape…

But, newsflash: IT’S NOT MAGIC!

I know it’s a difficult concept for you to wrap your brain around, but if you have a large package that you’re trying to ship to your Great Aunt Gurdie, you cannot tape the large cardboard carton WITH SCOTCH TAPE. (more…)

It should make you feel like a GLADIATOR

So, I had a client come into the shop this past Tuesday evening, kind of late, like thirty minutes before closing time. He was starting a website-based tshirt company and, in addition to wanting me to design his logo, he had several ideas for tshirts that he wanted me to design.

He wanted an illustrated logo design and we discussed the details of how he wanted it to look, but when it came time to discuss the cost of such a design, he balked. He told me that his budget would only be a third of that, if that much. So we discussed having just a text based logo, how it’s much more versatile and much cheaper from the design-end. He was happy with that but then he described how he wanted the text to have a camouflage fill-in, good god. I gagged, but whatever, it’s his design, I’m game. (more…)