I realize that those of you reading have yet to chime in… It’s okay… If you want to comment, please do. I mean, don’t do it because I ask you to — do it because you WANT to.
Ok, whatever. We’re not here to talk about commenting. I want to talk about dicks.
I was talking to one of my good friends from… shit, I guess middle school? He’s amazing. Love this guy. We had an interesting extended conversation about body parts tonight.
First, did you ladies know there are differences between tits, breasts and boobs? I swear to god, J.G. told me so and he’s like… an expert, I’m sure.
Apparently, tits are small and perky… Boobs are like, round and like…. boooooooooooooooobs. Breasts are somewhere between the two. Interesting, no? I’m sure that I’m going to waste spend some time over the next couple of showers inspecting my girls to figure out where they sit on the J.G. Mammary Scale™.
I’m thinking somewhere between breasts and boombs. Broosts? Breambs?
Awesome.
Then, to further illustrate his point — because, really, guys. I was FASCINATED by this bit of education. I had no idea there were distinctions among boobs. At all. But, to further illustrate his point, he said, “It’s like dick and cock conjure up different images in your mind, right? Same thing.”
And hot damn. He was right. Dick and cock DO bring up very different looking wankers.
So, then I remembered two dick stories. I subsequently remembered that both of these stories involved men that I had chosen to be with…. That should be some sort of clue as to my inability to choose a mate properly — a fixation on how other people perceive their … members.
Anyway, the first one relates to Ginger. During sex once, I said something about his “cock” and he brought it up afterward. “Oh, and hippies have cocks. I have a dick.”
Hm. Interesting. What’s further interesting is that HE turned out to be the dick. Huzzah. Connection-city.
The other funny male junk story is about my baby daddy. Ok, to give a little backstory, I was nineteen when he and I got together, he was twenty. I guess we had probably been dating for… two months or so. I REALLY don’t remember how it came up, but I do remember it was early on in our relationship. It should also be noted that we were doing a LOT of drugs back then, ha!
Anyway, my exhusband’s nickname for his penis was…
….
Are you ready?
Thor. And even further, Girthy Thor — like his cock was the star of some low budget viking porn. Why was his half-Italian/half-Cherokee stupid ass trying to be like Thor? Going to go pillage the village vagina?
I’ll never know. I will really never know.
Signing off tonight with all the words I found on a list of synonms for penis:
- baby-arm
- baby-maker
- bell on a pole
- beef whistle
- burrito
- bishop
- bratwurst
- candle
- choad
- chopper
- cock
- custard launcher
- dagger
- dick
- dickie
- ding dong mcdork
- dog head
- dong
- donger
- dork
- dragon
- eggroll
- fang
- ferret
- fire hose
- fuck rod
- groin ferret
- heat-seeking moisture missile
- hose
- hog
- jackhammer
- Jimmy
- John
- Johnson
- John Thomas (dated)
- joystick
- kickstand
- knob
- krull the warrior king
- leaky hose
- lingam
- little Bob
- little Elvis
- lizard (as in “drain the…”)
- longfellow
- love muscle
- luigi
- manhood
- meat popsicle
- meat stick
- meat injection
- member
- microphone
- middle stump
- mushroom head
- mutton
- old boy
- old fellow
- old man
- one-eyed snake
- one-eyed trouser-snake (Australia, UK)
- one-eyed monster
- one-eyed yogurt slinger
- pecker
- peepee (children’s term)
- Percy
- peter
- piss weasle
- piston
- plug
- pork sword
- prick
- princess sophia
- private eye
- private part
- purple-helmeted warrior of love
- purple-headed yogurt flinger
- rod
- rod of pleasure
- roundhead
- sausage
- schlong
- schmuck, shmuck (Yiddish)
- schwanz
- schwarz
- shaft
- short arm
- single barrelled pump action bollock yoghurt shotgun
- skin flute
- soldier
- stick shift
- surfboard
- tassle
- third leg
- thumper
- thunderbird 3
- todger (Australia, UK)
- tonk
- tool
- trouser snake
- tubesteak
- twig (& berries)
- twinkie
- vein
- wang
- wang doodle
- wanger
- wiener
- wick
- willy (children’s term)
- wing dang doodle
- winkie (children’s term)
- yingyang
- yogurt gun
- Moisture and heat seeking venomous throbbing python of love
BEAUTIFUL.
No related posts.
From the masters, Monty Python:
Isn’t it awfully nice to have a penis
Isn’t it frightfully good to have a dong
It’s swell to have a stiffy
It’s divine to own a dick
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world’s biggest prick
So three cheers for your willy or John Thomas
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake
Your piece of pork, your wife’s best friend
Your Percy or your cock
You can wrap it up in ribbons
You can slip it in your sock
But don’t take it out in public
Or they will put you in the dock
And you won’t come back
And, by the way, if Baby Daddy had any cleverness, he’d have called it “Mjollnir”, which was Thor’s hammer. That way this exchange could occur:
Him: I call my dick Mjollnir
You: Would that make you Thor?
Him: No, but you might be afterwardth.
Ba-dump-shhh
You left out “one-eyed wonder worm”. Thank you, George Carlin.