Picture this:
You and I are dating, right? and we’re out on a Friday night, throwing darts at walls and drinks down our throats. The music is loud, we’re louder. It’s a fuzzy haze of flirtations and glances and leaning into one another’s bodies, building up the expectation for what will happen once we get back to your place.
We’re practically spilling up the stairs to your apartment, the familiarity of each other’s steps leading us toward your door. You shove the key in the door while my hands trace down your back and my fingers slink into your belt loops…
And then, for sure… The sex. The amazing, incredible sex.
Our bodies are tangled into one another, supremely blissed out beyond measure. Your breaths become long and soft as the fatigue and the alcohol start to take over your body. And me? I’m curled up into your chest, the little spoon… Staring at the wall, eyes wide open with an insane preoccupation of my own breathing. Don’t fall asleep. Don’t fall asleep. Or, Jesus Jami… if you do, keep your fucking mouth shut or something.
WHY am I terrified of falling asleep when I’m sharing a bed with someone I care about? Well… I snore.
I snore a lot. And I’m not talking about a cute little spout of translucent Z’s that come fluttering out of my mouth and gradually disappear into the ceiling… I’m talking about some weird squeaking, honking, groaning, gasping sleep apnea shit. It is… It’s just not cute.
I’m not obsessed with being cute. I enjoy being cute and I make some effort to try to be a little cute every day. I’ll pin my hair up, even if I’m wearing something schlumpy. I’ll throw a little mascara on to distract from my tired eyes… I’ll put on a cute cardigan with a plain tshirt. But this snoring thing?
It’s not cute. It’s the antithesis of cute. My exboyfriend, the sociopath, hated it. I think that’s where my complex with it really stems from… He refused to wear earplugs and would insist that I buy this mouthguard or that nose strip or that throat spray. And when those things didn’t work, he’d lie awake at night, silently simmering and growing to resent me more and more every night.
I’d wake up in the morning, seeking happy snuggles… Hearing birds chirping in my imagination and I’d be met with a dead, cold stare and a sarcastic, “How’d YOU sleep? Because I want to tell you how I slept!” It sucked. I felt powerless… There wasn’t really anything I could DO about it!
All of that was more than two years ago, and I’ve still got issues. The strep throat that I had repeatedly over the last year hasn’t helped the issue either. I’m supposed to get my tonsils out but you know, I don’t have $500 for my deductible laying around and I also don’t have 5-10 days to lay around recovering from oral surgery. So I keep putting it off. At this point, it makes sense to wait until next year when the money could be applied to next year’s deductibles, right?
On Tuesdays, I don’t have to be at work until (muffle) o’clock. That is to say, I think I’m scheduled at 10:30 but it’s been so freakin’ slow lately that there’s no reason for me to come in that early. Also, I like to sleep in… It’s a little treasure to get out of bed, take the kid to school and then come back and slip back under the covers. Sometimes, they’re still warm.
I curled back into bed this morning and took my ritual little cat nap and it wasn’t very restful. I felt like I was gasping for air, like I was shocked. “*gasp!* What a killer purse!” Not like a really deep gasp, but a gasp nonetheless. In this half-sleeping place, I decided to record myself with my webcam while I continued to sleep. Immediately after I opened the program and pressed record, I drifted back to sleep.
What happened after that was… horrifying. Fifteen minutes of me sleeping… Or you know, trying to sleep between grunts and honks and squeaks and even some kind of baritone singing? Who the fuck knows. What I do know is that I’m not getting rest. And it all makes sense… I mean, I knew I needed my tonsils out, but that was related to the dormant crud that lives in the crevasses and keeps giving me strep. I knew I snored, but I didn’t realize how terrible it was.
I intend to post the video, if for no other reasons than a) so that you guys can laugh with me at how horrible it is and so that b) maybe it’ll help educate some people (I haven’t been able to find a sleep apnea video of a woman yet) and c) because I need to fucking exercise this demon.
This snoring thing makes me feel like Gollum.
I’m so much cuter than Gollum. I can’t keep ignoring this issue and shrugging my shoulders. I feel TERRIBLE sleeping next to the Sous like this.
The first night I stayed over at his house, I slept like a ton of bricks and he curled into my back to wake me up in the morning. He had slept on the couch. ON THE COUCH. It was that bad. It doesn’t help that he’s a light sleeper… But god. He slept on HIS couch the first time I stayed over.
He assures me it’s a non-issue. He bought these little earplugs all on his own. Little foam purple relationship-savers. “If this is the worst thing about you, then we’re going to be fine.” He’s so super understanding… And he tried so hard to cheer me up on my ride into work this morning.
But I’m sour-faced… And I’m going to post the video tonight… Or maybe tomorrow. I just had to get this post up now. Bleh.
No related posts.
Awww… Jami, he sounds adorable – but I get your mortification. I’ve been snoring more and more lately, and I try not to think about how un-cute it is. If I ever find the balls to make a video of me snoring I’ll share it with you and we can commiserate!
It’s actually quite frightening to listen to you…I feel like I need to watch you to make sure you keep breathing. I know you have to be tired b/c your body isn’t resting right. I hope you get to have that surgery soon!!!
I feel your pain. I’ve snored my whole life. My roommate in college used to pound on the bottom of my mattress (we had bunk beds…how cute) to get me to shut up so she could sleep. I can be heard through multiple doors at distances of up to 100 feet. I’m sure my sinuses/tonsils are to blame. And I don’t sleep well at night. I wake up dozens of times for no reason, and I’m certain my own snoring wakes ME up. When you find a solution, let me know. In the meantime, be advised that you are NOT alone. The snoring ladies of the night are right there with you.
Haha… The Snoring Ladies of the Night. Sounds like we need to pick out two ridiculous colors to wear and have tea parties with fancy hats.
I have sleep apnea too. I have to wear that horrible ugly CPAP mask every night. I hope getting your tonsils removed gets rid of it for you. I had to go to the hospital and have a sleep study done. I’m pretty used to the ugly mask now, but it was really embarrassing when my boyfriend and I moved in together – maybe not as embarrassing as snoring the paint off the walls, but still…
Sounds like you’ve got a good guy though. Now, if I could just get the boyfriend to stop snoring!
Oh god… I think I’m way too stubborn to wear the CPAP. That sounds so snobby, right? Gah.
I have problems with humming at night and sleep talking about whatever I dream about. The words are not a real language, sort of like the elfish language in the Lord of the Rings. Very annoying, but funny at times if you can wake me up and asking me what I was talking about. I remember one time as a child, I had a friend sleep over and I scared the shit out of her when I started chanting “Pretty dress” over and over. She woke up my parents and made them take her home. Even to this day, I think I might eventually go deaf because I have to sleep with a sound machine tuned to the max to drown out my own humming so it won’t wake me up! You might try a sound machine-Rain is the most effective.
Oh Jami, I understand; dudes are half expected to snore but I’ve had lotsa complaints about my snoring, and that’s after having my tonsils out when I was like 12. Ida just rolls me over; she says it’s worse in certain positions, like when I’m on my back. I’ll need a CPAP machine too, I think, and there’s not too much pride involved when you’re near 50, but having it on my head while I’m sleeping is intimidating; I’m also too cheap to do the sleep study, although I know my insurance will pay for most of it. If your new guy is understanding, accept it. How many passes do we get in relationships?
The ex sounds like a total douche, (and a full-blown narcissist, I’m betting. Been there, unfortunately.) The new guy sounds like a keeper. I feel for you, I spent years dealing with my own sleep issues. I had night terrors. I’d have to tell anyone who happened to share my bed, “If I start to get agitated, thrash around, scream, mutter or cry, just leave me be. Do not try to wake me and do not touch me. I will hit you.”
Well, that always went over about as well as you’d expect it would. I’d end up feeling like a nut-job and the jokers would always try to wake me up once the night terrors started anyway, and they’d always get punched. Yeah, I was a room-full of fun in those days. Thankfully, they’ve stopped.
Glad you found a guy who’s a decent human being, but hoping you can get the surgery soon. The inability to get a decent, uninterrupted, restful night’s sleep is it’s own kind of hell.