It’s such a teenager sort of thing to do…

But you know how sometimes you hear a song and it’s just perfect? All the lyrics just totally sum up how you’re feeling about life right that very moment??

Heard this on the radio today and caught myself with my head thrown back, singing along and I don’t even know the words yet… Beautiful.

It got me thinking about how HAPPY I am and how supported I am… And how miserable it must be to be so angry all the time… How awful it must feel to go to bed and sleep all night and wake up with the weight of bitterness on your shoulders every morning. I can’t even bring myself to hate my exhusband like I used to… I am angry with him, for sure. I don’t think he’s being fair or reasonable. I think he’s lying and manipulating the system and trying to bully me into letting him win, just for the sake of winning, whatever it costs. And all I feel is sorry for him. Sorry that he’s so wrapped up in whatever feelings he can’t face and let go that he has to focus all of his hate-rage in my direction. And I realized today, he can’t pull me down to his level. He won’t make me angry. He can’t make me hate him because I AM TOO HAPPY TO EVEN HATE HIM. There is no room in my happy heart for that kind of darkness.

The truth will bubble to the surface… Be it now or later. It will be a natural rise and eventually, I think he’ll come out of this… He’s got to… I can’t imagine living your entire life so full of hate.

Mean

You, with your words like knives
And swords and weapons
That you use against me
You, have knocked me off my feet again
Got me feeling like a nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard
Calling me out when I’m wounded
You, picking on the weaker man
Well you can take me down
With just one single blow
But you don’t know, what you don’t know

Some day I’ll be living in a big old city
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Some day I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean

You, with your switching sides
And your wildfire lies
And your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again
As if I don’t already see them
I walk with my head down
Trying to block you out cause I’ll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again
I bet you got pushed around
Somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now
Cause you can’t lead me down that road
You don’t know, what you don’t know

Some day I’ll be living in a big old city
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Some day I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean

And I can see you years from now in a bar
Talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion but
Nobody’s listening
Washed up and ranting about the
Same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how
I can’t sing

But all you are is mean
All you are is mean
And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean

But some day I’ll be living in a big old city
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Yeaaaah
Some day I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean
Some day I’ll be living in a big old city
(Why you gotta be so mean)
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
(Why you gotta be so mean)
Some day I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me
(Why you gotta be so mean)
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean

Here we go again

So my exhusband is suing me for custody.

Again.

The is the second time he’s tried to do this and each time, his litigious nature is made evident. He’s intending to wear me down emotionally and financially. His ultimate goal? I can only speculate…

My goal?

To not back down.

To not roll over.

To not be bullied.

To be an advocate for my son.

I’m not worried about my emotional well-being. I’m a tough cookie. I’ll do my best to protect my kidlet from any knowledge of this situation. But one thing I do need help with is this: my legal fees.

Last time he took me to court, I had to pay my attorney a $5000 retainer. I don’t know what my ex paid for his attorney, but I do know that, after a trial that lasted nearly a year and a half — in and out of the courtroom and mediation —  the judge dismissed all his requests and ordered him to pay my legal fees (to the tune of $17,000). We ended up settling out of court for a smaller amount because I felt terrible about the huge settlement and wanted to be fair. I used the settlement to repay my mother for the loan (that she put on her credit card — she didn’t charge me the interest) and used the remaining balance to pay a couple of bills down.

Altogether, I estimate that we’ve spent nearly $30,000 between us in legal disputes that he has initiated. He has yet to win a case.

But I’m all out resources. I’ve tapped my parents dry… The rest of my family are all working-class folks that don’t have money to loan.

So I’m swallowing my pride and I’m asking for help. I don’t know what it will take to retain my lawyer yet, but I’m going to assume it will be at least $2000.

If you love me and have been following me or reading my blogs or maybe if you just stumbled upon this page by some divine intervention… If you’ve got anything you can donate to my legal fund, I can’t even measure how grateful I would be to you. There’s a Paypal donate button at the top of the page. If you want to treat it as a loan, I’ll do my best to honor it as such — just know, full disclosure, I won’t have any substantial amount of money coming my way until the beginning of next year at tax time.

I won’t let someone with a bigger bank account bully me around.

Thanks.