Born on a Rotten Day

So I have this book… It’s probably one that I stole from Devon, as most of the good books in my library seem to somehow find their way out of her house and into my repurposed china cabinet/bookshelf. (She knows, man… She knows)

The book is called Born on a Rotten Day: Illuminating and coping with the dark side of the zodiac, and let me tell you kids, this book is incredible. Mostly tongue-in-cheek, but damn. SO spot-on.

I don’t want to come across like some kind of hokey, plinky-plunky new-age zodiac weirdo because really, my knowledge on the subject is limited to what is contained in this book, my horoscope and whatever it is that Devon tells me about Mercury retrograding or Saturn returning or Uranus being gaping or some such shit. But I think it matters a lot more to me than I would readily admit outside of this blog post. I believe my last reincarnation of my OkCupid profile said that I was a “Scorpio and laughing about it.”

But I’m not laughing really kids. I mean, I am because, come on… (more…)

Oooh, my bad

So, I think I’m a walking petri dish for strep/tonsillitis/random throat infections. I seem to be able to manage/function with a seemingly constant level of ick in my throat because, well… I’ve spent nearly a year carrying around the infection in the back of my throat.

Right after The Giant and I made out the first time, he got sick. Super sick. Went to the doctor and had to pay out of pocket for a strep test. I felt TERRIBLE. I mean, my strep test came back negative but maybe it’s because I’ve got super human, mutant tonsils that can bury the strep deep down in the recesses of my throat.

So, that was however many weeks ago and I’m fine, albeit still coughing, still tight-throated and uncomfortable and he is… (more…)

And another thing!

Oh shit! How about a compilation of the 100 Greatest Movie Insults of All Time!

YES!

*grunt*

Also? What’s up with this?

Am I about to start ovulating or something? ROMANCE, bitches.

I think I’ll probably end up with a writer of some sort because there aren’t many romantic gestures that mean much to me, but if you write something for me, I will be yours forever (or you know, some other length of time).

There is nothing about Pablo Neruda physically that makes my girly bits tingle, but the things he writes, lawd.

Confession: I have totally masturbated to Neruda poems.

Potential matches of the world, take note: I will masturbate to your love poems to me if they are good enough. (more…)

In the event that I ever decide to settle down…

This is the song I want to play during my slightly bizarre, non-traditional wedding ceremony…

Albacore
Ani Difranco

Look here I just tattooed a wedding band
On what looks like to me my mother’s hand
I’m no blushing girl, no innocent dove
It took me a long time to find love
But now I have no doubt and I never will
that I am meant to be loving you
And it fairly blew my mind to be so sure
When that little needle said “I Do”

My love gives me hope
My love gives me pride
My love gets me past the landmines inside
When I am next to you, I am more me
Inside me is a room to which you hold the key

Look at that honey moon in the albacore sky
Look with all of you, not just your eye
Look at its dancing light in the whispering trees
Look at how I love you and you love me
Look at how I love you and you love me

The Shakedown.

*ring ring*

Me: The BizNasty, can I help you?

On the line, in a very curt voice: Let me talk at Dallas, thanks.

Me: May I tell him who is calling?

Him, maybe not curt… more, aggressively: This is Mike, thanks. (more…)

Aw, shart.

Of course, on a weekend when we had plans-plans-plans, I wake up to find the boy in a wet puddle with a huge shart stain on his ass.

Oh. I’m sorry. Was that delivery too direct? Forgive me. (more…)

As Promised, My VICTORIOUS WRITE CLUB VIDEO!

I sent Ian Belknap an email today bugging him about the video for the event.

Then, like a douche, I actually went looking for it on YouTube. I kept checking his Vimeo because that’s where I found the previous ones. DUR.

Right there on YouTube, for almost two weeks now! I’m a douche. I’ll admit it.

But here! Watch!

On Conviction vs. Compromise

I had a “discussion” with the Giant last week and it sort of blew up and smoke was billowing into the clouds and then, just like that, it was over and things were fine. I don’t normally have “discussions” with men that I date because, typically, if I’m at all interested in them, part of the reason is that we have very similar views on politics and religion and that which makes up our moral fiber. The only two people I can think of that I’ve dated in the last year that I didn’t mesh with in this respect are HSD and Ginger.

Ginger was at least socially conservative, albeit really fucking fiscally conservative and something of an Obama-hater. My solution there was just to ignore him because, c’mon… I was just flinging with him. Who cares where he stands politically, right? At least he was an Atheist.

HSD was a different story entirely. I don’t know WHY I never asked important questions of him in the beginning… I was probably mesmerized by his washboard abs and tan freckles and his smile. But I didn’t even REALIZE he was a (more…)

That one time with the guy that had clubbed feet

Seriously. Read that title and take it alllllll in.

Let’s go back, kids… To the year 2001. I had just “fallen away” from church, having skipped one Sunday claiming to not feel well. When everyone in my house piled into their cars to go to church, my friend Megan came over and we packed up all my shit and I moved out — like a thief in the night.

I had also just recently dropped out of college. Surprising as it may be, all of this dropping and running away was actually really good for me. This period in my life was the time when I first stretched my legs. I was nineteen and the world was huge and finally in front of me. I had finally removed all of the shit that was mucking up my view. It was beautiful.

I was working at Starbucks and this adorable meat-head douche jock would come in all the time, trying to flirt with me. I was into him and so we went on a few dates. I was also NOT quite in my mega-slut days, so we must’ve been dating for about three or four weeks before we hit the porn track and got horizontal.

(more…)

Just can’t get over it

I know I shouldn’t let little things bother me… But working in a mostly-retail environment, it’s really hard to let some of it go.

There is one girl that comes in here and I seriously just want to choke-slam her every single time she steps through our doors. She asks for a “stamped enveloat.” En-ve-LOAT. (more…)

An old soul

I found a bunch of CDs that belonged to my grandmother tonight, while cleaning out closets at my parent’s house. I think I must have been born in the wrong time period because there is a special sort of emotional feeling I get when I listen to music from the 30′s and 40′s and 50′s.

As soon as I got in the car, I took out whatever I had in the CD player and popped in the Andrews Sisters.

If you’re not familiar with these broads by name, surely you’ll recognize this: (more…)