Reasons why life kicks ass

I suppose I should make this a running post. If I was less of a rebel, I’d use post tags, but fuck it. I can’t keep up with that shit. (more…)

I’ll be whatever you want…

Lyrics | The Breeders – Cannonball lyrics

God damn it. I miss the music of the 90s.

Deprivation

Tuesday night when I spent the night the Hot Single Dad (HSD), we stayed up until almost 3am being… recreational. *ahem*

I didn’t sleep much that night because I’m not thrilled with his bed and pillow combination. I use… Jesus. I guess I have six pillows on my bed? Ha. Telltale sign of a single woman, I suppose. He’s a total bachelor with two little puny pillows. I woke up with a crick in my neck that hasn’t gone away. I also fairly well hung over — I had four beers, haha. That’s a LOT for lil’ ol’ me. (more…)

I know they shouldn’t…

But some things just REALLY bother me.

Perhaps it gives you some insight into how… controlling I can be. I know there are things I cannot change… I can accept those things… Sure. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to complain about them or that when these things happen, I’m not going to twitch a little and raise my eyebrow… Do a little tilt of the head… (more…)

Well, that was just what I needed…

Have you ever had such an unbelievable connection with someone? Like, one of those undeniable sort of cataclysmic chemistry sort of things?

I was talking with someone — I forget who it was — about how I pretty much always have awesome sex… And how I don’t think it’s a coincidence, I just think I’m really good at it. Ha! I am, my friends, the common denominator of the rock and roll sex that follows me around. (more…)

I know it’s called Magic Tape…

But, newsflash: IT’S NOT MAGIC!

I know it’s a difficult concept for you to wrap your brain around, but if you have a large package that you’re trying to ship to your Great Aunt Gurdie, you cannot tape the large cardboard carton WITH SCOTCH TAPE. (more…)

Until I Know It’s Safe

I’m going to take my heart — my sweet, delicate, gentle (yes, really!) heart — and put it in a box, tie it with a ribbon and stuff it into the bottom of my closet. (more…)

Dang, man.

Went to the Halloween parade today with the boy child and Dee-light and her kids. Totally had fun. The boy made a trick or treat bag and got a really good dragon painted on his forehead. The parade was super too, even though it was COLD. Kids got a ton of candy.

Also. I totally ran into the hot single dad today. I *thought* I saw him from a distance, but dismissed it. Then, as I’m standing there talking to Dee-light, I see this man like… bop his head from side to side around Devon. And, you know, it’s the Halloween parade, so people are invading your personal space all over the place to try to freak you out (this one Lurch-looking motherfucker, in particular, was kind of creeping me out), so I didn’t really think about it. Then I realize that it’s him. (more…)

Thursday is the new Friday…

Drugs are bad kids. Don’t party too hard.

There’s bacon on your browser

Go. Look. Up there…

Next to your address bar. See that? That’s a bacon favicon. Mistress helped me put it together tonight (read: this means she did it for me AFTER she explained how to do it and I couldn’t figure it out. This is how our relationship works. She loves me, I have no idea why sometimes. Dude. I am an ever-flowing river of gratitude into her valley of… Er. Lemme just get back to the blog.) (more…)

Can we talk about dicks for a minute?

I realize that those of you reading have yet to chime in… It’s okay… If you want to comment, please do. I mean, don’t do it because I ask you to — do it because you WANT to.

Ok, whatever. We’re not here to talk about commenting. I want to talk about dicks.

I was talking to one of my good friends from… shit, I guess middle school? He’s amazing. Love this guy. We had an interesting extended conversation about body parts tonight.

First, did you ladies know there are differences between tits, breasts and boobs? I swear to god, J.G. told me so and he’s like… an expert, I’m sure.

Apparently, tits are small and perky… Boobs are like, round and like…. boooooooooooooooobs. Breasts are somewhere between the two. Interesting, no? I’m sure that I’m going to waste spend some time over the next couple of showers inspecting my girls to figure out where they sit on the J.G. Mammary Scale™.

(more…)

Yes, hi. Get off my lawn.

So, the three o’clock hour came and went and I never heard from Ginger. It’s a good thing, too. I was busy in line at Publix with the boy and then headed over to have dinner with my friend and his daughter tonight. I’m having a hard time coming up with a nickname for him. I must consult him tomorrow to see what we can come up with when we put our head together.

I did, however, get a text from Ginger at nearly 11pm. Typical.

The eleven minute phone conversation went like this, “Blah blah blah me me me. How are you? Great. Me me me, me and my libido. Tra la la la. Blah blah blah.”

I interjected every now and then with a stirring, “Mmmhmm,” and a glitzy, “Oh cool.” My engery level was… here ___.

Then I was just like, “Dude. Level with me. Why the sudden attempt at a reconnection when it’s been a month since I’ve even heard from you?”

He goes on to tell me that when he masturbates he thinks about our sex.

BARF. Dude. Seriously. (more…)